Thoughts on "Never Ever Knowing" for Solo Marimba

One of the most moving performances of "Never Ever Knowing" was a Veteran's Administration Breakfast sponsored by Hospice.  During this performance, I had the opportunity to perform for over 300 Veterans.  It was a true honor and a privilege.  As I was playing the thought crossed my mind that I never intended "Never Ever Knowing" to have a connection to military service but I suppose the connection is inevitable.

The artistic journey is one of introspection and self reflection.  Art mirrors life and the events that happen to us.  I composed the melody to "Never Ever Knowing" two days after my Grandpa Leo died in 2012.  He was a WWII Veteran.  Although when I was growing up he was a big part of my life, as an adult we lost touch.  This happened for a number of different reasons but by the time he passed away I felt like I really didn't know him very well.

I composed the melody for "Never Ever Knowing" two days after my Grandpa Leo died

My grandfather was a man of few words and often misunderstood.  He was a very nice and loving man but he didn't like to talk about his feelings.  I remember one of the few conversations we had during my twenties when I asked him about his service.  I specifically asked him about fighting in the Pacific.  I suppose I wanted him to give me some generic heroic account of the war.  Instead he gave me a sober history lesson (stuff I already knew from school) and preceded to avoid directly telling me about his own experience and the things he had to do.  He only told me that war is terrible and everyone had to do their duty.  At the time, it was just what people his age had to do.  I got the sense he wasn't comfortable with it but he was at peace with "being uncomfortable."  That was it.  The conversation was over.

The Greatest Generation was called upon to serve.  They didn't have a choice.  At the onset of early adulthood immediately following the great depression, many would go to war and the experiences they had would color their lives forever.   They were expected to save the world, see terrible things, and then come home and raise a family.  Many of these men were expected to carry this burden alone without any help.  They may have been welcomed home as heroes but the times were different.  Therapy and psycho social services weren't mainstream and they weren't encouraged.  Although some may have sought counseling, most felt that they were expected to get over it. Any issues and feelings they had about what they had done were buried.  The fight continued for many of these men silently for years to come.

This is who my grandfather was.  He was a man of his time who's early life and subsequent personality after was defined by his early experiences.  As a result, there were many things that he just couldn't share.  I think he carried a lot of that with him during his life and when he died he probably took a lot of that with him as well.

My grandfather was sometimes misunderstood.  It's society's issue.  We are sometimes conditioned to think that people who don't wear their feelings on their sleeve are somehow "disconnected" and "less human."  This couldn't be further from the truth.  To carry a silent burden and yet go on to raise a successful family and build a life through hardship is quite human.  Life must go on and for my grandfather it did!

There were several times I went to see my grandfather in the years before he passed away.  I saw a kind, loving and caring man.  He was simply a man of his time and like so many in his generation he just couldn't share certain things and cater to certain feelings.  I understand and respect that. As a child he gave me the love he had and I loved him. I really miss him and wish I was more present for him as an adult.

We all experience loss and it effects our interpersonal relationships. "Never Ever Knowing" is a reflection on this.  We may wish things were different and want those close to us to act in certain ways but it's not our place to judge.  People in our lives pass away.  They take with them things we'll never know.  Joys and regrets and things left unsaid.  We might wish that things would be different but such is the path of being.

"Never Ever Knowing" is a call for understanding the trials and tribulations of one's life before passing judgement.  It is a call for compassion.  

Copies of Never Ever Knowing for solo marimba by Simon Boyar may be purchased here.