Thoughts on "The Void" for Percussion Ensemble

"The Void" came together during a very strange period in my life. At the time I was living in Brooklyn constantly sketching songs, concert works, and solo pieces yet I could never release anything. Why? 

Here's a little back story...

I experienced a moderate degree of early success in my career. By the time I was 25 I was teaching at 2 major schools, performing as a concerto soloist around the world, and regularly freelancing. In a very short period of time, I became an established member of the professional community. It happened very fast. It sounds great but at the time I was truly unhappy. I always felt like something was missing. Looking back I know now that my frustration was the product of two things, one emotional and and other artistic.

1) Emotionally, I simply didn't know how to manage my feelings.

If I didn't like something I didn't know how to "feel the feeling" and let it go. Instead I would dwell on it and let it endlessly rot. This was truly destructive behavior that led me to perceive much of my life in a skewed way. My training only added to this. While learning how to play, I had been critical of myself for such a long time that it had become a habit and a lifestyle. 

2) Artistically, I was unfulfilled.

Beyond being unfulfilled I was sincerely confused. All around me people were telling me that I was successful but I didn't feel that way. I didn't even feel like a real artist. I felt like a phony and a fraud. I also didn't feel like I understood music. I felt like someone who could reproduce anything written on the page yet I couldn't create myself. This was a strange feeling given that I had been around music and composers for years and during that time, I never once even thought of becoming a composer. All of those years spent in the music school circuit preparing for auditions, concerts, and juries had kept me so busy that I totally forgot why I got into music in the first place. It was creativity and the desire to express myself...

A combination of these two issues caused me to crash and I crashed hard. I couldn't take it anymore. Something felt so wrong with my life. When the smoke cleared I found myself living in a one room apartment in Brooklyn writing music.

The Void...

During my time in Brooklyn I had no real direction but I had tons of ideas. Ideas have always been the easy part for me. I have too many so it can be hard to organize them. It's one of the reasons I have excellent organizational skills. Throughout my entire life, I've had to deal with organizing the endless stream of ideas in my head.

The NYU Marimba Ensemble Performing "The Void"

Although I had very little direction I knew enough at the time to know that if I was writing music, I would need to have some of it performed for it to be "alive" and "real." I was the director of The NYU Marimba Ensemble so I brought a sketch I was working on to rehearsal for a reading. It was some music I had come up with scored for 4 marimbas, vibes, glockenspiel, xylophone, and drums. It had a drum and bass meets rock sound to it coupled with the richness of percussive concert music. Parts of it were very catchy. The music had no name at the time but upon hearing it a student of mine named Matthew Overbay (an incredible talent and musician himself) suggested that the music sounded like "The Void." It was perfect and the sketch would later become and be entitled "The Void." 

"The Void" is about my experiences attempting to redirect my life during this time. For awhile it seemed like I would write and write and nothing would happen. I would begin an idea, develop it, and then throw it away when I thought it wasn't good enough. As I've written in other posts, I began to lovingly call this process "life reset." Things went on like this for such a long time that I started to believe I had made a mistake by attempting to write music in the first place. I began to believe that something was fundamentally wrong with me. Looking back I now know that I was in "The Void." 

If only I had known that things can change. If only had known that change happens without warning. If only I had known that sometimes getting to the truth is painful. Maybe I wouldn't have suffered so much. Maybe...but who knows.

I dedicate "The Void" to all who struggle. It's important to keep at it and be patient no matter what. The fog will clear...

Copies of The Void for Percussion Ensemble by Simon Boyar can be purchased here.